exhausted

After a long day at earth's edge my feet hurt and I just want to sit down and relax. A 10 hour day is really long when you don't get to sit down but for 10 minutes the whole day. The best thing right now would be David coming home early, but that's not going to happen. I miss him so much. I have an extremely busy weekend ahead of me and I'm not really looking forward to it. So long, Until next time.

I'm found out

So my husband now knows of my blog spot and it feels a little weird. He's known about it for quite some time but he never seemed very interested in it. It's odd because a lot of what I write is me venting about him and I just hope he don't get hurt by anything I've said. I am going to try my best to still be as honest as ever with this because it helps me to express myself. Before I thought I was just writing and no one would ever read it but I liked the fact that some could be reading it. Well any ways, about my day. I woke around 1030 and my morning was a lot like last night. I just felt a little shut off from the world, still a little pissed at David for what happen yesterday and yet trying to get over it. He ended up reading my message that I sent to him via my space and then we talked about it. I went on about how I hurt and he went on how I don't understand. I'm sure I don't but most the time I think I do. He is right though, he's not out there cheating on me or trying to make a culture out of it but I still get so hurt even when it's just once in a while. What the fuck is wrong with me? Or with him? why can't we just both be what each other need and wants and just stop there? I guess then it would be to easy and you would half to try very hard at this thing called love. But what wrong with that?
So any how, Major is coming over between 3 and 4 and we're going to hang out for a while. Probably just shoot the shit and talk of our issues with life. He's a good listener and a asks good questions, which helps me to open up and analyze myself more. So just a random thought, there are these really pretty dansko's at earth's edge and I think I want to get them. There are red and just my size. Some one spacial order them and didn't want them so they are on sale so I can get them for like $55. OK that was pretty random.

Here is little something I wrote a while back.

What is life all about?
This question lingers in the back of every one’s mind no matter how hard you try and run from it. We all search and try to find the answer to our question. Some search so far they go crazy while others push it down so deep they can barely hear it any more. I tend to think that people drink to the bottom of the bottle in search for the answer and they will one day realize all it leads them to is lots of headache rather than answers. While others will try and try to ignore the question that haunts them and in return they find that it keeps appearing form all angles of life. Some run even as far as suicide to get away from it. But why? Is it because some tell them one thing while others tell them another? It seems no matter where you go in this crazy and confused world, you’ll always find those who think they know the answer. But not only the do they think they know the answer but they think their answer is the answer for the whole world.
Which leads us the ask “Is there a single answer? Or is the answer different for each man?” What is life all about? Could life be about one thing to me and a total different thing for the next man? If every one had the same answer than wouldn’t life be bland and boring? I think that god (who or what that is to you) would have a bigger plan than that.
I was raised in an environment that caused me to believe that every man was looking for the same answer and that was “Life is all about serving god and dong his will”. It didn’t sound that bad until I began to dig a little deeper and the things that came up disturbed me to the point I had to leave and find what seemed more “believable”. It was the serving god part put it was the who and what god was/is that made me confused. First you’d hear god is love, then they’d say you’d have to believe a certain way or this god of love would damn you to hell. What the hell? Can it get much more mind boggling? Can any one truly say that there is one truth for thee entire world and only one way believe? I think it’s ludicrous to say the next man has to believe what I believe or he’s going to hell.
Blessed or not blessed, freed or not freed, condemned or not condemned I am still in the that place of searching for the answer of the question that every man faces. But how do you find it? And do you ever really find it in life? Part of me thinks that you never find our completely because part of the answer is to search for the answer. Confused? Let me clarify. If we, one day found out what life is all about, then we would come to the place of complacency and become comfortable. We would stop our search and begin to say “Is this it?” and we would wonder “Why was I put on this earth for only this?”. We will always be searching for the answer even when we are 85 years old.
In one since there are many levels, or degrees if you will, to the finding of the answer. I could ask the “Question” Five days in a row and get five different answers, all five of those answers would be the right answer because each day there is a different answer to be found.


peace

The conversation with major

It's almost 1am and I have a lot on my mind. I have recently lost my cell phone so I feel slightly disconnected from the world. It's probably good for me, I think it reminds me that I don't need to be in control all the time.
Any way.....So I just got done chatting with a good friend of mine via face book. I cried, I laugh and I was challenged. It's strange but sometimes all it takes is someone just listening to you whine and the next thing you know your challenging yourself. Major seems interested in me and what's going on in my life. There really are not very many people in my life like that. He is a good friend. Am I happy? That was one of things discussed in our chat. Not in a weird way but in a honest way. And thought it would be easy to answer but even when I threw the "yes" out there I can't say I really meant it. I'm happy to an extent I guess. I'm happy with the outside of me such as my home, work place, husband, friends, appearance (for the most part), and all that. But when it comes to my inside and my thoughts and my dreams and my desires I am not happy. That was hard to say. I'm not happy. Why? Or should I say why not? When I start to think about I seem to get depressed and I think that is why I choose not to let myself go there. How can I change the way I think and feel? Maybe I'm just selfish or maybe I don't think about myself enough. I just need to find more things in life that I enjoy doing and do them. I know part of my problem is I get so caught up in what david is doing that it almost controls me alittle. I just need to learn to let go. I caught my husband looking at porn, again. I think I handled it pretty well though. This is a mesage I sent to him via myspace... maybe I'm crazy, in fact I know I am, but thanks to maj I know I'm not the only one. Thank god for friends that tell you the truth.

Hi there just wanted to say I'm really proud of you. Thanks for all you do for this relationship. I know I take you for granted and I shouldn't. Thanks for being my friend and my lover, I couldn't ask for anyone better than you. I'm glad your not perfect because how ridiculous would that make me look? I'm not perfect either and I hope your OK with that. Oh I just want to remind you that anytime your home alone and get the "urge" just give me a call, I would love to come home for a quickie anytime. I just feel it take from me when you look at those other women that mean nothing to you and just make me look really ugly in comparison. I just really want to be beautiful to you but it feels nearly impossible when I feel I'm being "rated" alone side chicks like crissy moran. How can I compete with her, she's gorgeous and perfect when it comes to her body. I know I'm not and it makes me want to hide my body from you in fear of you thinking about her and wishing I looked like her. WOW sorry I didn't mean to get into that but I guess it was in there to get out. I'm not angry with you for it but just sad. I think what makes me even sadder is that you try so hard to hide it. But I guess I don't blame you though, I would probably do the same thing. And who can blame you, there are some pretty hot girls out there. Any way. I really just wanted to say thanks, you challenge me everyday and I don't know what I'd do with out you. You really are my hero. I can't wait to see you and rap my arms around you. I love the way you make me feel inside when you smile at me. I love you David.

Forgetful

There are many times I forget who I am and react to situations in life in a way I normally wouldn't. Why is it I let small, meaningless things make me into someone that I'm not? There has to be something I can do when in a situation that makes me explode. Last night I was not myself, I reacted. But why? I think mainly because of fear; fear of getting hurt, fear of failure, fear of losing the one closest to me and many more fears. Why do I fear things? If something happens to one closest to me then it's meant to be right? I think I want to much control and am afraid of letting go and just letting things be. I forget that when I don't let things go I just cause the very things I fear to sneak in and get the best of me. For example when I want David close and keep persisting and not letting go I just get hurt and who can I blame but myself? I think the biggest thing for me to learn from all this is first, always put the wine bottle up high and secondly, learn to let go. Just let go of trying to get what I want and what I think I need. Most of it is childish any way. What to do? Part of me feels hopeless and alone. Actually a big part of me does. But why? Why do I allow myself to forget who I am? Strong, Independent, Confident, beautiful, creative, smart, sufficient, enough, talented, fun, and much more. I just need to remember and then maybe all will fine. Fuck, I don't know at all what will make every thing fine.