Forgetful

There are many times I forget who I am and react to situations in life in a way I normally wouldn't. Why is it I let small, meaningless things make me into someone that I'm not? There has to be something I can do when in a situation that makes me explode. Last night I was not myself, I reacted. But why? I think mainly because of fear; fear of getting hurt, fear of failure, fear of losing the one closest to me and many more fears. Why do I fear things? If something happens to one closest to me then it's meant to be right? I think I want to much control and am afraid of letting go and just letting things be. I forget that when I don't let things go I just cause the very things I fear to sneak in and get the best of me. For example when I want David close and keep persisting and not letting go I just get hurt and who can I blame but myself? I think the biggest thing for me to learn from all this is first, always put the wine bottle up high and secondly, learn to let go. Just let go of trying to get what I want and what I think I need. Most of it is childish any way. What to do? Part of me feels hopeless and alone. Actually a big part of me does. But why? Why do I allow myself to forget who I am? Strong, Independent, Confident, beautiful, creative, smart, sufficient, enough, talented, fun, and much more. I just need to remember and then maybe all will fine. Fuck, I don't know at all what will make every thing fine.