So my husband now knows of my blog spot and it feels a little weird. He's known about it for quite some time but he never seemed very interested in it. It's odd because a lot of what I write is me venting about him and I just hope he don't get hurt by anything I've said. I am going to try my best to still be as honest as ever with this because it helps me to express myself. Before I thought I was just writing and no one would ever read it but I liked the fact that some could be reading it. Well any ways, about my day. I woke around 1030 and my morning was a lot like last night. I just felt a little shut off from the world, still a little pissed at David for what happen yesterday and yet trying to get over it. He ended up reading my message that I sent to him via my space and then we talked about it. I went on about how I hurt and he went on how I don't understand. I'm sure I don't but most the time I think I do. He is right though, he's not out there cheating on me or trying to make a culture out of it but I still get so hurt even when it's just once in a while. What the fuck is wrong with me? Or with him? why can't we just both be what each other need and wants and just stop there? I guess then it would be to easy and you would half to try very hard at this thing called love. But what wrong with that?
So any how, Major is coming over between 3 and 4 and we're going to hang out for a while. Probably just shoot the shit and talk of our issues with life. He's a good listener and a asks good questions, which helps me to open up and analyze myself more. So just a random thought, there are these really pretty dansko's at earth's edge and I think I want to get them. There are red and just my size. Some one spacial order them and didn't want them so they are on sale so I can get them for like $55. OK that was pretty random.
Here is little something I wrote a while back.
What is life all about?
This question lingers in the back of every one’s mind no matter how hard you try and run from it. We all search and try to find the answer to our question. Some search so far they go crazy while others push it down so deep they can barely hear it any more. I tend to think that people drink to the bottom of the bottle in search for the answer and they will one day realize all it leads them to is lots of headache rather than answers. While others will try and try to ignore the question that haunts them and in return they find that it keeps appearing form all angles of life. Some run even as far as suicide to get away from it. But why? Is it because some tell them one thing while others tell them another? It seems no matter where you go in this crazy and confused world, you’ll always find those who think they know the answer. But not only the do they think they know the answer but they think their answer is the answer for the whole world.
Which leads us the ask “Is there a single answer? Or is the answer different for each man?” What is life all about? Could life be about one thing to me and a total different thing for the next man? If every one had the same answer than wouldn’t life be bland and boring? I think that god (who or what that is to you) would have a bigger plan than that.
I was raised in an environment that caused me to believe that every man was looking for the same answer and that was “Life is all about serving god and dong his will”. It didn’t sound that bad until I began to dig a little deeper and the things that came up disturbed me to the point I had to leave and find what seemed more “believable”. It was the serving god part put it was the who and what god was/is that made me confused. First you’d hear god is love, then they’d say you’d have to believe a certain way or this god of love would damn you to hell. What the hell? Can it get much more mind boggling? Can any one truly say that there is one truth for thee entire world and only one way believe? I think it’s ludicrous to say the next man has to believe what I believe or he’s going to hell.
Blessed or not blessed, freed or not freed, condemned or not condemned I am still in the that place of searching for the answer of the question that every man faces. But how do you find it? And do you ever really find it in life? Part of me thinks that you never find our completely because part of the answer is to search for the answer. Confused? Let me clarify. If we, one day found out what life is all about, then we would come to the place of complacency and become comfortable. We would stop our search and begin to say “Is this it?” and we would wonder “Why was I put on this earth for only this?”. We will always be searching for the answer even when we are 85 years old.
In one since there are many levels, or degrees if you will, to the finding of the answer. I could ask the “Question” Five days in a row and get five different answers, all five of those answers would be the right answer because each day there is a different answer to be found.
peace
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