The conversation with major

It's almost 1am and I have a lot on my mind. I have recently lost my cell phone so I feel slightly disconnected from the world. It's probably good for me, I think it reminds me that I don't need to be in control all the time.
Any way.....So I just got done chatting with a good friend of mine via face book. I cried, I laugh and I was challenged. It's strange but sometimes all it takes is someone just listening to you whine and the next thing you know your challenging yourself. Major seems interested in me and what's going on in my life. There really are not very many people in my life like that. He is a good friend. Am I happy? That was one of things discussed in our chat. Not in a weird way but in a honest way. And thought it would be easy to answer but even when I threw the "yes" out there I can't say I really meant it. I'm happy to an extent I guess. I'm happy with the outside of me such as my home, work place, husband, friends, appearance (for the most part), and all that. But when it comes to my inside and my thoughts and my dreams and my desires I am not happy. That was hard to say. I'm not happy. Why? Or should I say why not? When I start to think about I seem to get depressed and I think that is why I choose not to let myself go there. How can I change the way I think and feel? Maybe I'm just selfish or maybe I don't think about myself enough. I just need to find more things in life that I enjoy doing and do them. I know part of my problem is I get so caught up in what david is doing that it almost controls me alittle. I just need to learn to let go. I caught my husband looking at porn, again. I think I handled it pretty well though. This is a mesage I sent to him via myspace... maybe I'm crazy, in fact I know I am, but thanks to maj I know I'm not the only one. Thank god for friends that tell you the truth.

Hi there just wanted to say I'm really proud of you. Thanks for all you do for this relationship. I know I take you for granted and I shouldn't. Thanks for being my friend and my lover, I couldn't ask for anyone better than you. I'm glad your not perfect because how ridiculous would that make me look? I'm not perfect either and I hope your OK with that. Oh I just want to remind you that anytime your home alone and get the "urge" just give me a call, I would love to come home for a quickie anytime. I just feel it take from me when you look at those other women that mean nothing to you and just make me look really ugly in comparison. I just really want to be beautiful to you but it feels nearly impossible when I feel I'm being "rated" alone side chicks like crissy moran. How can I compete with her, she's gorgeous and perfect when it comes to her body. I know I'm not and it makes me want to hide my body from you in fear of you thinking about her and wishing I looked like her. WOW sorry I didn't mean to get into that but I guess it was in there to get out. I'm not angry with you for it but just sad. I think what makes me even sadder is that you try so hard to hide it. But I guess I don't blame you though, I would probably do the same thing. And who can blame you, there are some pretty hot girls out there. Any way. I really just wanted to say thanks, you challenge me everyday and I don't know what I'd do with out you. You really are my hero. I can't wait to see you and rap my arms around you. I love the way you make me feel inside when you smile at me. I love you David.