exhausted

After a long day at earth's edge my feet hurt and I just want to sit down and relax. A 10 hour day is really long when you don't get to sit down but for 10 minutes the whole day. The best thing right now would be David coming home early, but that's not going to happen. I miss him so much. I have an extremely busy weekend ahead of me and I'm not really looking forward to it. So long, Until next time.

I'm found out

So my husband now knows of my blog spot and it feels a little weird. He's known about it for quite some time but he never seemed very interested in it. It's odd because a lot of what I write is me venting about him and I just hope he don't get hurt by anything I've said. I am going to try my best to still be as honest as ever with this because it helps me to express myself. Before I thought I was just writing and no one would ever read it but I liked the fact that some could be reading it. Well any ways, about my day. I woke around 1030 and my morning was a lot like last night. I just felt a little shut off from the world, still a little pissed at David for what happen yesterday and yet trying to get over it. He ended up reading my message that I sent to him via my space and then we talked about it. I went on about how I hurt and he went on how I don't understand. I'm sure I don't but most the time I think I do. He is right though, he's not out there cheating on me or trying to make a culture out of it but I still get so hurt even when it's just once in a while. What the fuck is wrong with me? Or with him? why can't we just both be what each other need and wants and just stop there? I guess then it would be to easy and you would half to try very hard at this thing called love. But what wrong with that?
So any how, Major is coming over between 3 and 4 and we're going to hang out for a while. Probably just shoot the shit and talk of our issues with life. He's a good listener and a asks good questions, which helps me to open up and analyze myself more. So just a random thought, there are these really pretty dansko's at earth's edge and I think I want to get them. There are red and just my size. Some one spacial order them and didn't want them so they are on sale so I can get them for like $55. OK that was pretty random.

Here is little something I wrote a while back.

What is life all about?
This question lingers in the back of every one’s mind no matter how hard you try and run from it. We all search and try to find the answer to our question. Some search so far they go crazy while others push it down so deep they can barely hear it any more. I tend to think that people drink to the bottom of the bottle in search for the answer and they will one day realize all it leads them to is lots of headache rather than answers. While others will try and try to ignore the question that haunts them and in return they find that it keeps appearing form all angles of life. Some run even as far as suicide to get away from it. But why? Is it because some tell them one thing while others tell them another? It seems no matter where you go in this crazy and confused world, you’ll always find those who think they know the answer. But not only the do they think they know the answer but they think their answer is the answer for the whole world.
Which leads us the ask “Is there a single answer? Or is the answer different for each man?” What is life all about? Could life be about one thing to me and a total different thing for the next man? If every one had the same answer than wouldn’t life be bland and boring? I think that god (who or what that is to you) would have a bigger plan than that.
I was raised in an environment that caused me to believe that every man was looking for the same answer and that was “Life is all about serving god and dong his will”. It didn’t sound that bad until I began to dig a little deeper and the things that came up disturbed me to the point I had to leave and find what seemed more “believable”. It was the serving god part put it was the who and what god was/is that made me confused. First you’d hear god is love, then they’d say you’d have to believe a certain way or this god of love would damn you to hell. What the hell? Can it get much more mind boggling? Can any one truly say that there is one truth for thee entire world and only one way believe? I think it’s ludicrous to say the next man has to believe what I believe or he’s going to hell.
Blessed or not blessed, freed or not freed, condemned or not condemned I am still in the that place of searching for the answer of the question that every man faces. But how do you find it? And do you ever really find it in life? Part of me thinks that you never find our completely because part of the answer is to search for the answer. Confused? Let me clarify. If we, one day found out what life is all about, then we would come to the place of complacency and become comfortable. We would stop our search and begin to say “Is this it?” and we would wonder “Why was I put on this earth for only this?”. We will always be searching for the answer even when we are 85 years old.
In one since there are many levels, or degrees if you will, to the finding of the answer. I could ask the “Question” Five days in a row and get five different answers, all five of those answers would be the right answer because each day there is a different answer to be found.


peace

The conversation with major

It's almost 1am and I have a lot on my mind. I have recently lost my cell phone so I feel slightly disconnected from the world. It's probably good for me, I think it reminds me that I don't need to be in control all the time.
Any way.....So I just got done chatting with a good friend of mine via face book. I cried, I laugh and I was challenged. It's strange but sometimes all it takes is someone just listening to you whine and the next thing you know your challenging yourself. Major seems interested in me and what's going on in my life. There really are not very many people in my life like that. He is a good friend. Am I happy? That was one of things discussed in our chat. Not in a weird way but in a honest way. And thought it would be easy to answer but even when I threw the "yes" out there I can't say I really meant it. I'm happy to an extent I guess. I'm happy with the outside of me such as my home, work place, husband, friends, appearance (for the most part), and all that. But when it comes to my inside and my thoughts and my dreams and my desires I am not happy. That was hard to say. I'm not happy. Why? Or should I say why not? When I start to think about I seem to get depressed and I think that is why I choose not to let myself go there. How can I change the way I think and feel? Maybe I'm just selfish or maybe I don't think about myself enough. I just need to find more things in life that I enjoy doing and do them. I know part of my problem is I get so caught up in what david is doing that it almost controls me alittle. I just need to learn to let go. I caught my husband looking at porn, again. I think I handled it pretty well though. This is a mesage I sent to him via myspace... maybe I'm crazy, in fact I know I am, but thanks to maj I know I'm not the only one. Thank god for friends that tell you the truth.

Hi there just wanted to say I'm really proud of you. Thanks for all you do for this relationship. I know I take you for granted and I shouldn't. Thanks for being my friend and my lover, I couldn't ask for anyone better than you. I'm glad your not perfect because how ridiculous would that make me look? I'm not perfect either and I hope your OK with that. Oh I just want to remind you that anytime your home alone and get the "urge" just give me a call, I would love to come home for a quickie anytime. I just feel it take from me when you look at those other women that mean nothing to you and just make me look really ugly in comparison. I just really want to be beautiful to you but it feels nearly impossible when I feel I'm being "rated" alone side chicks like crissy moran. How can I compete with her, she's gorgeous and perfect when it comes to her body. I know I'm not and it makes me want to hide my body from you in fear of you thinking about her and wishing I looked like her. WOW sorry I didn't mean to get into that but I guess it was in there to get out. I'm not angry with you for it but just sad. I think what makes me even sadder is that you try so hard to hide it. But I guess I don't blame you though, I would probably do the same thing. And who can blame you, there are some pretty hot girls out there. Any way. I really just wanted to say thanks, you challenge me everyday and I don't know what I'd do with out you. You really are my hero. I can't wait to see you and rap my arms around you. I love the way you make me feel inside when you smile at me. I love you David.

Forgetful

There are many times I forget who I am and react to situations in life in a way I normally wouldn't. Why is it I let small, meaningless things make me into someone that I'm not? There has to be something I can do when in a situation that makes me explode. Last night I was not myself, I reacted. But why? I think mainly because of fear; fear of getting hurt, fear of failure, fear of losing the one closest to me and many more fears. Why do I fear things? If something happens to one closest to me then it's meant to be right? I think I want to much control and am afraid of letting go and just letting things be. I forget that when I don't let things go I just cause the very things I fear to sneak in and get the best of me. For example when I want David close and keep persisting and not letting go I just get hurt and who can I blame but myself? I think the biggest thing for me to learn from all this is first, always put the wine bottle up high and secondly, learn to let go. Just let go of trying to get what I want and what I think I need. Most of it is childish any way. What to do? Part of me feels hopeless and alone. Actually a big part of me does. But why? Why do I allow myself to forget who I am? Strong, Independent, Confident, beautiful, creative, smart, sufficient, enough, talented, fun, and much more. I just need to remember and then maybe all will fine. Fuck, I don't know at all what will make every thing fine.

so what is the point of romance? Is it just to make us feel good? Or is it really an outcome of love? What is Love? I really don't know right now. At time I think I have it but I really don't think I do. If it was real love it would be consistent, but its not. One little thing goes wrong and then it's gone.

When to start over.... I always think about the fact that allot of us need a clean slate and a chance to just start over. I was in thought earlier today and came up with the conclusion I need to start over. My life needs a fresh start. I get comfortable where I am and what I'm doing and then I get mad at my self a month or so down the road at where I am or what I'm doing. I have not been pushing myself or challenging myself like I know I need to be lately. What can I do different? How can I make myself do it? Why do I think it will work this time? I just have to tell myself "I'm giving you a clean slate and a fresh start, don't look back just keep going".

Goals I want to accomplish
*Running everyday at 7:30. It will start my day off right and get my mind rolling and my blood flowing.
*Go to MCC and drop my papers off. This will get my finacial aid rolling.
*Blog everyday. This will help me to see where I am and What I'm doing about it.

Just a couple of goals for now so I don't get overwhelmed, I will add more as time goes on.

Well I'm going to go running right now so see ya!!!

a very hard decision

So I am try not to get upset at my husband for looking at porn and it is very hard. I've heard that every man struggles with the desire to look at other woman but it doesn't rest easy with me when it's my husband. I personally don't have a problem with guys who may be single and want to look at it but why would any man want to if they have a woman in their life? If a man can look at porn well in a relationship I don't think that man really loves who he's with. If He did truly love her he would want only the images of her and her beautiful body in his and not a bunch of little sluts who defile themselves. What do they benefit from it? An moment of gratification? Is it worth it? Is it worth the next time you make love to your wife your thinking about a woman that means shit to you rather than your wife who loves you and would want nothing more than her husband be thinking about her. Is it fair to your wife?

Well I want believe that it will never happen again but I know it will:::( It cuts so deep I wish he could feel it and I know he would never do it again. I makes me feel like I'm not what he wants. It only makes since that he wants what he searches for and thats not me, it some random bitch who may have a large fake ass. What do I do? I know there is nothing for me to do but be patient and keep loving him and encouraging him. If there is any advice you can give me I am all ears.

I am sitting at home trying to forget the troubles of the last 2 days. Right now I am so beyond stressed out I don't know what to do. First of all I got married about a month and a half ago and my husband and I live in a not so big apartment and love it, it's home to us. About two weeks ago his sister , who is 15 came to live with us because she had no where to go. I didn't have a problem with and I thought it would be a good environment for her. The day she moved in she told us she was a "Seeing" a girl. It was a little hard to swallow at first then I realized that she have to come to her own conclusion of what she wanted to be attracted to . When she moved in she was told she had to let us know where she was, if she was not going to be home for the night and twice in five days she did not call.

Ok with out going into details, she is more like a child and I'm not sure how to treat her. She does not respect our wishes and yet she wants our respect. How is that even possible? We have opened up our doors and she is not even thankful. My life has totally changed. I no longer can home from work and just chill. There is always someone at the computer and the tv is always on.


I just want to run a way and find some peace. I need to calm my spirit because it is not settled at all. I am trying to find peace inside of myself in the midst of this storm.

I feel as though I am to young to have to deal with all this. I am only 21 years old.

so what should I do?

About life and what I want, what should I do? I don't fucking know.

not so nice

All I know is life is very difficult sometimes. I'm in love with a man that does shit I don't like. He don't care about what I think and that confuses me. I have always thought that if you are in love with someone you would be willing to go any thing or give up any thing for that person. David is not like that. If there is something that he wants to do and I don't like it don't matter He will do it any way. What is love and what does is mean??? Why do I tend to get hurt so much by the man that is the love of my life. I'm getting married in one month and I am so not ready. We don't get along all the time and we fight over stupid things and we really don't get each other. So when I ask my self why I'm dong it it is at times hard to tell myself. I just want to be love by someone with all there heart and be the most important thing to him and I don't feel that at all. Will we last?? Sometimes I can't answer it myself. I hope so but who knows really.
Who am I????? What am I doing??? Where am I going?? What do I believe?? I seam to lose focus to easy and forget what I'm about. He really know nothing about me and he doesn't try and find out what I'm about. He's to caught up in his own life to take the time and learn about mine. He has so much he wants to do and not my dreams is not one of them.

tonight

tonight I've fallen and I need your loving hand to come and pick me up. This song by fm static has been my savior for me tonight. life is absolutely crazy and it is nearly impossible for me to cop with. what to do? I feel so alone, all alone. what to fucking do? I don't know. when i needed the one closest to me he just wasn't there. Family? What is that? For I have come to not know what that is. They have been stripped from me. I'm holding on to life with a tread hoping it doesn't break. I feel as though there's nothing left to hold on to. why? i don't know. I wish I knew.

It's Saturday morning and I'm almost ready for work. I have a ten hour day ahead of me to talk to people, yeah! I do love my job, it's just the fact of being anywhere for ten hours straight is not very fun. And the talking to people part is not always the highlight of my day either. Well enough about work. Last night I played poker for the first time in my life, it was fun but at the end it was down to two of us, me and and another. I got really nervous and folded a couple of times when I shouldn't of. There were some that were not happy with me but I was sure what to do. It was a really weird feeling, that feeling of all eyes are on you, how are you going to make this happen? I don't know how people can live under that kind of pressure, I'm sure it's learned and I'll probably have to learn it someday. The art of preforming. Preforming is a srtange word. Everyone has a differant thought of what preforming is.

A new day is dawning

We all want to be something, weather it's a musician or a street sweeper, a doctor or a farmer, we all want to be something. Why I wonder? What is it about becoming something that makes us feel accomplished? Is it the approval of those around us that drives us? Or is it the sense of the power of having a title that makes us beat? I will be the first one to admit to have this same longing inside of me, that little voice inside that tells me to be more. It's all around us, a feeling that we have no control, we keep asking our selves are we strong enough? What is the thing that makes a person feel in control? Is it the title, the money, the friends, the appearance, or just merrily mental? All I know is it's different for every one. All at once the world could over whelm us and which way will we run? Before we go running to find those things we THINK we're proud of lets take a deep look inside of ourselves. What makes us happy and what is the thing that puts a smile on our heart not on our face? Don't forget to breath. Reach for love. Follow your heart and find what your mad of. Pay attention to details and change your immediate environment. It is only when you learn to conscientiously relax that you can truly change. learn to trust your mind. The one thing we all need to do for ourselves is listen to our hearts and follow it for a change.

So I grew up in a Christian home and my whole family is very religious. I personally no longer hold the views I once did and my parents won't let me come around because of it. I'm at a place that I don't know what I believe right now. Is God real? I think so, I also think He created us and loves everyone very much. I no longer believe that He's up in Heaven waiting to judge the sinner. I could be very wrong and if I am I hope God will tell me somehow ( and I don't mean through someone either). How can someone say that know the right way to believe and then say that if you don't believe that way then your going to burn in an everlasting fire for eternity. that's pretty crazy if you ask me. I think people can believe whatever they want to believe but I don't think that one person or a group of people have the answer for the whole world. I think that if what Christians say is true then we'd be seeing the effects of their prayers more and the God that they believe in doing the supernatural and more signs and wonders. They say that signs and wonder do happen but then what do you call the magicians that do all the supernatural stuff they do? the devil? I can't explain the things I've seen or at least I thought I seen. As far as miracles and shit. But I need something more real and personal to happen before I start even considering think how I once did. Like say if I woke up tomorrow and my eyes were no longer blurry and I could see perfect without contacts then I may think about it again. I just don't any evidence to stack my faith on. Call my faithless I don't care because right now I kind of am. People say seeing is believe, well all I can say is it sure does help. Peace

I love mint chocolate chip cookies. I love french silk ice cream. I love my man;), i love the beach and warm sand and warm water, i love my job but I want another one (I don't get enough hours), I love thought.

the hardest decision of my life has been presented to me a little over three weeks ago. Here's the situation; I'm in love with a man that my parents don't approve of because he doesn't believe like them. he used to, when I first started liking him but he's changed and so have I. So the other day my parents told me I can't come around the family until I have a change of heart and stop loving this man. I can't say it's very easy because I love my family very very much. I come from a very large family and we we're all close growing up, so now to have to choose one or the other is killing me. Of course my man thinks I should stay with him and make my own decisions but i thought it would be this hard. I love this guy so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with him but what should I do? does anyone out there have any suggestion for a girl that needs advice?